"...Fewer carbs seemed to be the common theme."
- Unit(ed)
- Feb 26, 2019
- 6 min read
Updated: Feb 28, 2019
This Unit(ed) story comes from a female student-athlete from Harvard. See Part I below for her story in her own words. See Part II further down for her reflection questions and answers. Search for similar stories by using the following hashtags: #female #collegeathlete #Harvard.
(Warning: This story discusses eating disorders which may be triggering to some readers. Contact information for the National Eating Disorders Helpline is attached at the bottom of the story.)
Part I. Her Story
"I came to college healthy, happy, and completely stress-free. I played on a highly competitive club [sports] team and loved every minute of it. I can distinctly remember going on away travel trips with my club team and racing down to the lobby for dinner, pounding 3-4 helpings of pasta, bread, and any carbs I could get my hands on. I didn’t think twice about what I ate or the portions I served myself. I didn’t look around at what my teammates were eating because all I cared about was fulfilling my hunger. After dinner, I never had second thoughts about what I ate. In fact, you could probably find me at the snack room hours later looking for more goodies to eat.
It all changed once I stepped foot onto Harvard's campus. Freshman year I was the ideal size to maximize my strength, speed, and performance. At Harvard, all meals are served in dining halls, buffet style. Since we were in preseason, I would eat almost every meal with my team. I remember these moments so clearly it gives me goosebumps thinking about it. When I first stepped foot into the dining hall I was absolutely pumped. So many options - pasta, chicken, salad, veggies, cereal, peanut butter, and the list goes on. I piled my tray high, barely fitting all of my plates. When I walked out to the table and sat down with some of the upperclassman something was quite off. I looked down at my plate, then I looked over at every single one of theirs. I kid you not, every one of them had a single plate filled with lettuce, veggies, and a single chicken breast. I figured that was just their starter meal and they would for sure go back in for more. I mean we just finished a hard training session and had another one coming up later in the day. But they didn’t. They took their trays and returned them to the counter without entering the dining hall area again. I was shook.
I watched them train each day and was incredibly impressed by their skill, technique, and precision. As an athlete, and as an extremely competitive individual, I figured they were doing all the right things. I mean they were starters and that was my dream. This is where I went wrong, completely wrong. In fact, looking back now I realize that even they knew that what they were doing wasn’t right, but they couldn’t help it. It was a disease. I started to shift my eating habits to match that of my teammates. More green, fewer carbs seemed to be the common theme. I continued to do so into freshman spring, which is where things started to plummet.
I figured that was just their starter meal and they would for sure go back in for more. I mean we just finished a hard training session and had another one coming up later in the day. But they didn’t. They took their trays and returned them to the counter without entering the dining hall area again. I was shook.
My sport was hard, school was harder, and what I was eating seemed to be something I could control, but that’s just a lousy excuse. I began to restrict my eating so that I essentially would eat the same thing every day. And let me tell you, the portions just continued to get smaller and smaller. I found myself losing focus in school because I would be thinking of my next meal. I also was starting to get injured in my sport because my calcium levels were so low. At this point I really didn’t think I had much of a problem as I was just doing what I thought would make me the best athlete possible. But in all honesty, it had quite the opposite effects. I was no longer as strong as I used to be, I was slower, I lacked energy and focus in practice, and I was never fully present.
As an athlete, and as an extremely competitive individual, I figured they were doing all the right things. I mean they were starters and that was my dream.
All throughout high school, I had always been told I had the biggest bubble butt people had ever seen. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t proud of my butt. To me, it was almost a trophy of the hard work I had put into my sport. Which is why, when I went home the summer after my freshman year and was told by my absolute best friend in the world, 'Where did your butt go?' I was truly taken aback. When I returned to school sophomore year, the comments continued. I heard it from my coaches, teammates, friends, and even family, which finally got me to meet with the nutritionist.
I never ever stepped on a scale. I didn’t know my weight, not because I was scared of what it would say, but because I really didn’t care about the number. The nutritionist took my weight and told me that I had lost 15 lbs since my freshman physical last year… It was like the reverse freshman 15, but as a D1 athlete and an already small-statured girl. Obviously this was a terrible sign for my health and my performance both academically and athletically. The nutritionist helped me to develop an eating plan and I tried my best to follow her orders.
However, I was still incredibly consumed in what, when, where, and how I was eating. It truly took over my mind and at this point I came to terms that I had an issue. Luckily for me, there were many other girls in the same boat, whether they would admit it or not. I was able to talk to some people and get a better understanding for the amount of food I should be consuming given the amount of exercise I do. It was a constant battle through sophomore year, but each day got better and with the constant support of the nutritionist, my friends, and family I finally found myself happier and healthier.
To this day I don’t know if anyone can truly overcome an eating disorder. I am fortunate enough to say that I do not think mine has had as serious of consequences as most, but I now understand how this disease can be incredibly debilitating and life-changing. In the end, I now have regained back 10 lbs and feel the strongest, healthiest, and fastest I have ever felt in my life. I feel truly happy and less consumed by the thoughts of food. I love my sport and teammates and am truly grateful for the support I have been given through this incredibly life-changing process."
Part II. Reflection Questions
1. If there is one piece of advice you could give to someone suffering from disordered eating, what would it be?
"Be honest with yourself and with others. The word 'eating disorder' can sound incredibly daunting. The stereotypes surrounding disordered eating have made it out to be a sign of weakness or lack of control, but the reality is many people just don’t understand what these individuals are going through. I think if you can open up about the struggles you are facing to a friend, a parent, or even just yourself, it makes the process much more bearable."
2. What is one thing you want other people to understand about it?
"There should be absolutely no judgement associated with disordered eating. It is not a sign of weakness nor their fault. Eating disorders can be extremely miserable and can take a long time to overcome."
3. What positive lessons have you learned through your journey?
"There is an incredible network of people that are here to support me through this process. I learned that many people, especially at Harvard, are going through something similar to what I went through and it’s time we talk about it."
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